This feeling is so hopeless. I suppose everyone can relate, or could have at one time. I feel so shallow, like I know that there is more to this world than me or my problems...but right now, its all about the 'woe is me'

Ive been praying lately, something I'm rare to do.  But for the first time ever I have felt this undeniable conviction, this weight on my heart and all without the aid of some christian summer camp.  This is different, this is unique.  

I'll be turning 18 in less than two months.  So what does that mean?  Well, I can buy a lotto ticket...and...vote in elections?  It's strange, although that age doesnt merit much in society standards, to me it represents the pinacle moment... when I'm finally EIGHTEEN...when I decide what is right for me and when it is right.   

But then I sit, quiet mind you, and think.  So what?  Where I am today, March 5th, is a whole different person from where I was 2 years ago March 5th.  I have done things I never would have fathomed doing, I have thought things that never would have crossed my mind... and that scares me to death.  I have succumbed to pressures, and disregarded my own boundaries, and all in little as two years.  What will become of me two years from now?

I used to go to church alot... I was even the president of First Priority.  And two weeks ago, I would have answered, 'what God?'... How did I come to that?

Here I am, feeling sorry for myself.  For all this time, I've pretended or blamed others for my mistakes... and for all this time, its been me.  I am the one to blame.  Being a christian is not saying a prayer... Although that is part of it, being a Christian is far more profound, it requires dedication and commitment, neither of which I can boast.

Yuuup.

This is where I am.  And this is where I don't want to be.

The singer steps forward
He is not a torch song hero.
He is not the embodiment of his soul brother.
The unassuming troubadour
Sings to himself, softly
But not a word escapes his lips.
They don't even try.
His words would rather stay with him as long as possible.
But his melody is for me and you.


I prefer to be alone when you're not around.
Sometimes when I speak I can't stand the sound
Of my voice, this great big destructive machine
That takes to much time to say what it means
They tell me that my father is sick once again with the plague that has decimated many old men.
I settle once more to the long sad dread that reminds me all loved ones soon will be dead.
This is why I spend so much time making love to you in your arms I was searching for things that were true.
This is why I spend so much time making love to you in your arms I was searching for things that were true.


Its a memory of mine that I'm watching for a moment.
I'm distracted just a bit by something less important.
But I'm here for the part of the day that I crave;
I have caffeine in my system that makes me feel brave.
The chill in the air is exactly what I want, with the sun on my face and my eyes tightly shut.
It's important for me to remember these things;
It's important for me to remember these things.

I'm pretending we're in Prague sipping sodas by the square.
Where the clock brought the masses to the ceremony there.
Every hour little puppets spun around the clock face, each figure represents one of the human race and somehow we were always on time for the show, we'd arrive to the chaos of the people right below those large chiming bells would have a song to sing;
It's important for me to remember these things.

Absinthe and sex
Black garters, cheap wine a hotel in Prague a moment in time.
We are hungry and scary
And so much in love
We laugh with each other
As we push and we shove

The singer keeps singing.
The singer keeps singing.
The singer keeps singing.
Keep singing, singer.

That was the first time I really caught your eye,
In the small Italian shop with the coffee that you liked and when our eyes met I couldn't look away and my mouth opened to speak, but there wasn't much to say.
I was frozen, transfixed by the way that you looked but you grabbed me and pulled me into a small nook where we kissed like we had never tasted lips before and I still wanted more.
I still want more.
I'm frightened of what these words might bring;
But it's important for me to remember these things.
I'm frightened of what these words might bring;
It's important for me to remember these things.

You're too far away for this to make sense and I feel in my heart every mile of distance and I don't want it to stop 'cause I know what that means thee song will be over and so will you and me the song will be over and so will you and me the song...

now for the GOOD news!

did you expect to kiss me one time

while looking at me with the same eyes ever again?

so come on and face it

so come on and face it

it's time that we say it

you can cross the line whenever you want to

I'm calling it love soon

close your mind and waste some time if you have to

I'm calling it love soon

it's not about you now

it's what we are

• Lets, see, the rest of the week at the beach was fantastic, and I must say, I'm likin' the whole incest thing (inside joke, im really just kidding, PLEASE dont take me seriously).  But anyway, yea the beach was nice, and I got a nice tan (Its gone now, dammit) and made some great memories. *BIG SMILE*
• After I got home, the only thing I had to keep me busy was the piles of laundry from the beach...most of my friends were away on the mission trip to Fla.  but I had fun anyway, if I recall correctly, I hung out with the Gill alot.  ooooh, I REMEMBER: I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time, and I am such a loser now.  I watched the last one on a Friday night, as I remember, with my friend, Mark, I think, and after it was over (it ended at like 3 am) I couldnt sleep b/c my mind was racing... I just kept thinking, man that was so cool, I wish it was real!  haha  yup, im a loser, but it's okay, I can deal
• um, then...OH YEA, I went to camp for a week, and lemme just tell you, that was soooo awesome.  I was a third year, so this year we had a lot more freedom and did a lot more cool things.. Por ejemplo, we went to this place called Pritchard's Island (you cant even access this place any other way besides boat).  Anyway, we were there to observe the loggerhead sea turtles, and observe we did.  On these night walks (walks up and down the beach at night, haha) we were on the lookout for any mother turtles making nests, and we had to keep an eye on the nests, in case any baby sea turtles hatched.  'TWAS GREAT!  I got to take part in the hatching of TWO, count 'em, ONE TWO NESTS HATCHING!  OMG! I think it may very well be the pinnacle event of my life...considering that now i may want to pursue marine biology...  Eh... I don't know, but I do think that would be wonderful.
• Came home from camp, and I was home for 4 days before I left again.  I can't remember if anything exciting happend to me then, but I'm sure I hung out with the Gill, and I spent a deal of time with paula (aka the apostle).  Things sorta fizzled out where he is concerned, but I'm really not bothered by it.  I am completely content where I am right now in life, with or without anyone...I really just couldn't care less.
• This last weekend, I went to North Carolina again.  I had a great time.  It's just so relaxed up there...everything is so much slower, and it's nice.  Some of my friends laughed at me when I told them, but I picked beans while I was there.  A whole lot of green beans.  Like 7 bushels of green beans.  I'm a regular Maggie May, thank you very much.  I taught my cousins how to play Texas Hold 'Em... so we played a great deal of that, and may I say, I whipped their tails, and hard.  Anyway, we were up there for my great grandmother's 80th birthday, and we had a surprise party for her on that Sunday which was also nice.  Just a nice weekend.
• This week... hmm... How come this week is the hardest to remember?  Well...  On Wed. I did the Link Crew thing (freshmen mentorship thingy) and an interesting thing happened.  Out of the 47 link crew groups i could have been put in, I was in group number one....and my partner, you ask? Why it was Steven Knotts, the son of Laura Knotts, who just so happens to be the Link Crew coordinator.  Who is Steven Knotts?, you may be wondering?  Well, he is my ex boyfriend.  *thinks for a moment*  Yes, I, too agree that is strange.  He wasn't there because he is at football camp at Gardner and Webb U, but I found that a bit strange nonetheless.  Well, today they had an optional thing where you can go and help get things set up for tomorrow (tomorrow=freshmen orientation), and his mother came up to me and thanked me for doing such a good job and told me an interesting story.  It went a little something like this: Once upon a time, there was this boy named Steven, who could not attend the scheduled training on Wednesday, so instead not only attended but also taught a seperate training that was held the prior Saturday.  Steven's mother, who also happened to be the Link Crew coordinator, asked her son, "Son, your sister Rosie is going to make the list of link crew teams, who would you like to be on your team?"  Her son thought for a moment and then answered, "Megan Deschaine, please mother."  Out of all the people her son could have chosen, Mark or Kyle his best friends, or Marie his assumed crush and '04 prom date, he chose Megan Deschaine, the ex girlfriend from the summer of '03, the girl whom he has not even had a conversation with in at least 4 months.  The End. Well his mother told me this story, and I didn't know what to say to this, besides....mmkay... All i know is that's an interesting story, and although Senor Knotts may very well be good looking and polite, I am not sure if I'd go that route again.  ANYWAY, I just found that interesting.  Gracias.

SO, there you have it, thats basically the highlights of this last month.  I should also say that I have been hanging out with the K-unit and Big D alot lately, and i have myself been enjoying it.  I think that's it for now.

LOV,
Megan